Jan 13 2012: We've all seen the infamous picture...now here are...
DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 CAPTIONS FOR MITT ROMNEY GETTING HIS OWN PERSONAL SECURITY CHECK AT THE AIRPORT
1. “Oh, don’t fret about scuffing my shoe. I like firing people.”
2. "Remember to untie Rover from the fuselage."
3. “While you're down there, my friend, give me a shoeshine. I bet someone ten thousand you would.”
4. "Don't expect a big tip. I'm unemployed, you know. Ha, ha."
5. "You live in Massachusetts, right? If anybody asks, I lived in your basement when I voted in the last election."
6. "By the way, this counts as a job I created."
7. “We’re in luck -- the inflight movie is Battlefield Earth!”
8. “You used to be a steel worker in Missouri? Hey, small world! I downsized you.”
9. “Some of my best friends are Hispanic people. Pemex, Taco Bell Corporation, Chipotle Incorporated...”
10. “Back pain, huh? Too bad you didn't tell me back when I gave a crap about health care.”
11. “Oh, you got sent to ‘Nam? I wish I could’ve made it, but I couldn’t get out of my missionary position.”
12. “Well, if you’d made a wiser choice of parents, maybe I’d be on my knees, scanning your shoes.”
Cheetah the Chimp, from 1930s Tarzan films, dies in Florida at age 80.
DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 UNFORTUNATE INCIDENTS AT CHEETAH'S FUNERAL
1. Clyde the orangutan gets in drunken fight with costar Clint Eastwood.
2. Caesar from 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' turns eulogy into call for uprising against humans.
3. Gorilla pallbearers decide to throw the coffin around for awhile, see how tough it is.
4. Fan gets too close to Cheetah's grieving widow, she rips off his arm.
5. Newspaper obits accidentally run photo of George W. Bush.
6. Elderly Lassie marks chapel, then looks ashamed.
7. Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion winds up at wrong funeral luncheon, eats caterer.
8. 'Greystoke' star Christopher Lambert denied entrance to funeral by guard who does not recognize him.
9. Christopher Lambert denied entrance to graveside service by guard who recognizes him from 'Highlander II.'
10. Star of 'War Horse' kicks TMZ cameraman through a fence.
11. Vera the Elephant of 'Larger than Life' sits in wrong pew, crushes costar Bill Murray.
12. Forest Lawn's Wee Kirk o' the Heather closed after poop-flinging melee.