With Gov. Mark Sanford’s mysterious four-day disappearance in the news, it’s time to see how his excuse for going AWOL stacks up against other states’ chief executives. Thus, I present….

DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 BEST REASONS THAT GOVERNORS HAVE GONE MISSING

1. MARK SANFORD (SOUTH CAROLINA) – FELT SO BAD ABOUT TAKING THAT STIMULUS MONEY, HE WENT TO DISTRIBUTE IT AMONG THE POOR…IN THE CAYMAN ISLANDS

2. SARAH PALIN (ALASKA) – SPENT 48 HOURS DRIVING TO LETTERMAN’S HOUSE IN A DIAPER, WITH STUN GUN AND DUCT TAPE

3. BOBBY JINDAL (LOUISIANA) – TOOK SECRET FACT-FINDING TRIP, LEARNED VOLCANOES ARE INDEED MOTHERF***ING HOT

3. LAURA LINGLE (HAWAII) - WAS DANGLING JINDAL REAL CLOSE TO THAT LAVA UNTIL HE AGREED WE NEED VOLCANO MONITORING

4. CHARLIE CRIST (FLORIDA) – HAD URGENT SURGERY, NOW WISHES TO BE CALLED “CHARLENE”

5. MARK SANFORD, #2 – OKAY, HOW ABOUT HE WENT UNDERCOVER TO BUST AN UNSCRUPULOUS NUDIST COLONY?

6. TIM PAWLENTY (MINNESOTA) – HEARD RUMOR JESSE VENTURA WANTS HIS JOB BACK, WENT INTO WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

7. BILL RICHARDSON (NEW MEXICO) – HEARD RUMOR HILLARY’S STILL MAD ABOUT HIS BACKING OBAMA, WAS CRASHING ON PAWLENTY’S COUCH

8. JOHN HOEVEN (NORTH DAKOTA) – FOR THE LAST TIME, HE WAS RIGHT IN HIS OFFICE THE WHOLE TIME, AND IS GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING TO EXPLAIN TO EVERYONE WHERE NORTH DAKOTA IS

9. MARK SANFORD #3 – HE NEEDED TIME TO WRITE, AND HOME WAS TOO...AAH, SCREW IT, HE WAS COOKING METH IN THE DESERT WITH HIS MISTRESS

10. ROD BLAGOJEVICH (ILLINOIS) – TAPING REALITY SERIES “I’M A GOVERNOR, GET ME OUT ON BAIL!”

11. DAVID PATERSON (NEW YORK) – TOOK WRONG TURN FOR BILL SIGNING, SPENT DAY IN CAPITOL GIFT SHOP AUTOGRAPHING COOKBOOKS

and the best reason for a Governor going missing:

12. ARNOLD SCHWARZENGGER (CALIFORNIA): SENT HIMSELF BACK IN TIME 6 YEARS TO KILL ANYONE WHO SUGGESTED HE RUN FOR GOVERNOR

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Can’t say he isn’t fast: President Obama, about to be interviewed, kills a fly with one deft smack. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ2H1K_0FXw


DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 REPUBLICAN RESPONSES TO OBAMA KILLING THAT FLY

1. “ALL RIGHT, SO HE WOULD HURT A FLY, BUT HE’S STILL TOO SOFT ON NORTH KOREA.”

2. “NOW, SEE, THAT’S WHY WE WON’T SHAKE HIS HAND.”

3. “WHAT DOES THIS PRESIDENT HAVE AGAINST THE AMERICAN PESTICIDE INDUSTRY?”

4. “HE CALLS THAT HUNTING?”

5. “THAT HYPOCRITE KILLED AN ENDANGERED RED-NOSED HOUSEFLY – SO WE GET TO DRILL IN THE ARCTIC.”

6. “RONALD REAGAN NEVER DEFILED THE WHITE HOUSE WITH INSECT CORPSES!”

7. “YOU’RE PRETTY BRAVE AGAINST A LITTLE BUG…NOW LET’S SEE IF YOU’VE GOT THE BALLS TO NUKE IRAN.”

8. “AMERICANS WANT KILLING PESTS TO BE BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR EXTERMINATOR – THEY DON’T WANT THE GOVERNMENT GETTING INVOLVED.”

9. “SWATTIN’ FLIES, NOW THERE’S A JOB THAT BOY’S GOOD AT.” (SOUTHERN REPUBLICANS ONLY)

10. “CRAP! THERE GOES ROVE’S $30 BILLION SPYBOT.”

11. “OH, SURE, FINE FOR OBAMA TO SLAUGHTER FLIES, BUT SARAH PALIN MACHINE-GUNS ONE LOUSY POLAR BEAR AND WE NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT.”

and the main Republican response to Obama killing that fly…

12. “MY GOD -- IT HAD THE HEAD OF JOHN MC CAIN, AND IT WAS SCREAMING ‘HELLLLP MEEE!’ “

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DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 REACTIONS BY AHMADINEJAD TO IRANIAN ELECTION PROTESTS

1. “THANK YOU FOR CELEBRATING MY VICTORY, BUT BE CAREFUL, MY EFFIGIES SEEM TO BE HIGHLY FLAMMABLE.”

2. “OKAY, NOT A LANDSLIDE.  WOULD YOU BELIEVE A SANDSLIDE?”

3. “I URGE EVERYONE NOT TO LOSE YOUR HEAD. LITERALLY.”
 
4. “HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE INTEGRITY OF OUR MINISTER OF ELECTIONS, HASSAN DIEBOLDIJAD?”

5. “CALM DOWN, YOU CRAZY LAKERS FANS!”

6. “HEY, IT’S NOT LIKE I SAID A-ROD WAS BANGING YOUR DAUGHTERS.”

7. “MY OPPONENT WASN’T REALLY BORN IN IRAN…AND HE’S A SECRET CHRISTIAN!”

8. “I AM TOTALLY POPULAR, JUST CHECK OUT MY FACEBOOK PAGE…IF I EVER ALLOW THE INTERNET AGAIN.”

9. “I’LL ADMIT I MAY NOT HAVE WON THE JEWISH VOTE.”

10. “EVERY VOTER DIPPED HIS THUMB IN INK…IF YOU WANT A RECOUNT, JUST SEND IN YOUR THUMB.”

11. “THE SHAH WAS RIGHT, YOU PEOPLE ARE A BUNCH OF INGRATES!”

and main reaction by Ahmadinejad to the Iranian election protests:

12. “AS THE GREAT AMERICAN JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA SAID, ‘GEDDOVERIT!’ ”